Re-Evaluating Myself Part 1

I’ve had some great response to one of my previous posts. I got a couple from Kelli and they really made me think. You guys don’t know all the stories that make up my life yet, so I’m going to try to give you a few more details. Kelli has given me permission to use her comments to help me with this.
 
is Kelli Wright says:
Honestly, it amuses me that you will ignore him for treating you badly but you won’t give your fellow woman, the mans wife, the same respect. I’m not bashing you because I’ve had a tryst with a married man or two but what helped me to stop was being on the other side of the fence and realizing, how would I feel if some homewrecker came and did to me what I’m doing to these women.
On the flip side, great sex is great sex and like you reason, you’re not the one cheating, he is. I’d only say that you need to separate some of your feelings and play his game as his equal (in other words, think and act like a man). Don’t bring him around your children (BIG ASS NO NO) and when he doesn’t text and call, don’t express your feelings to him, just don’t call or text back for the same period he did to you. Drives em crazy. Good luck but if I’m reading between the lines, you have a heart and he’s gonna break it!
 
I’m not actually sure where to start, so I’m going to get to it. I’m mentioned my thoughts on Taken 1’s wife once already. I’m going to go into more details now. Yes, I do know that Taken 1 is married and he made that clear at the very beginning. It was actually a very weird conversation. He was explaining to me that he wasn’t looking for anything sexual with me just wanted to have someone to talk to. I thought that was what we were doing and I told him that. He seemed to be pleased with my answer and made a comment about he didn’t need no woman starting drama with his wife. My first hint that he has done this before.
 
I had no intentions of ever starting any type of drama, with his wife or anybody. I’ve got enough drama in my life already. I didn’t need to go out and get some more. And I told him so. Neither of us have mentioned his wife since. I do know his wife’s name and I know what she looks like. I want to be able to avoid her if we are ever at the same place at the same time.
 
I feel nothing when I think of her. I know that sounds bad, very bad, but it’s the truth. I never think about her on my own and Taken 1 never mentions her so I don’t think about her when we are together as well.  I do feel some guilt about the situation, but I don’t think about her at the same time. And the guilt is more like anger.
 
I get angry. I’m not really sure who I’m angry at. That’s not true, I’m mad at everybody. I’m mad at my self for being able to do this in the first place. I’m mad at Taken 1 for being just another untrustworthy man who thinks that this is okay. And I’m mad at all the other married men who have hit on me.
 
I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. Things were great with Taken 1 when we were just friends chatting on the phone together and having lunch together every now and then. When things got sexual things changed. Yes, the sex was good, but is it really worth all this. Probably not.
 
I limit my contact with Taken 1 as much as I can. He has not been to my house since the last time we had sex. And he has never been around my children. My kids don’t even know he exist. Ah, no, not quite true. My daughter knows he exists because she is nosy and she read a text message from him once. It was a simple hello, but she does know that I have talked with him before. He will never meet my children.
 
Things have actually slowed down quite a bit since we started this thing that we got going on. We’re not quite at a complete halt. I’ll explain more in my next post. Kelli’s other comment is a bit more detailed and I hope to be able to tell this story better. I know things are all mixed up, but that’s actually how I think. I’m just a woman looking to be happy and getting disappointed day after day. Maybe one day…
 

Trust In Who?

There is so much that I still need to tell you guys just to get you caught up to the present. I’m always confused about what I want to tell you next. A year ago my life was fairly simple. I was miserable, but everything was constant. There were no changes in my life, just plain misery. Present day, I still have some miserable moments, but I also have all this drama to keep me preoccupied.

My relationship with my ex ended badly, but it needed to end. A problem that I have developed is my inability to trust people. I spent years with Daniel and all he did was lie to me. Now that we are over, that distrust has rubbed off on everyone else. Ty is the only person that I trust unconditionally. With everyone else, if you want me to believe you then proof has to be provided.

I’m a talker. I like talking to people and telling them what’s going on. I usually do this without giving any actual information on my private life. I like to keep my private business separate from the family and work aspects of my life. Conversations with men are sometimes difficult to me. When guys are telling my about themselves I always question what is true and what is false.

So far I have not been able to completely trust any of the men that I have gotten myself involved with. I have caught each of them in at least one lie, some minor and some not. The minor ones I can forgive, but if they are going to lie to me about something so insignificant, what else will they lie to me about?

Married men coming on to me does not help the situation either. Sometimes I feel as if someone is posting everywhere that I hook up with married men. I can’t remember the last time a man came onto me that wasn’t married. It is very discouraging. Yes, I have gotten myself involved with a couple of married guys, but nothing too extreme. And thinking about it, things might be over with them. I have not made the attempt to speak with either of them these past few days and they have not contacted me either. If you don’t care about me enough to at least call and tell me hi, then I don’t need your ass.

Today I was on FB just catching up on some of my friends and this man starts a chat with me. He is one of my friends on FB but I didn’t really know him. We just had a lot of mutual friends. I had a nice little conversation with him and we discussed going out for drinks when we were both in the same town. He comes here to visit family often. He was interesting enough and hell, free drinks.

We exchanged phone numbers and both logged off. I logged back on later and looked up his profile. I probably should’ve done that earlier while I was chatting with him in the first place, but I was distracted. I was trying to get some work done at the same time. So there I was looking at his profile and it doesn’t show his relationship status, but he had some great pics of him and his wife together in his photo albums. Had them labeled too.

I was not happy to find out about the marriage. It is so discouraging to know that men will so easily stray from their marriage like that. I had planned on getting married one day, but I don’t really see the point now. I may one day find the man I want to exchange vows with, but they aren’t going to mean a damn thing.

Yes, I know that I am messing with a married man, but I’m not the one married. I take vows seriously. I take promises seriously. If I was involved in a serious committed relationship I would be with no other man other than the man who has committed to be mine. I expect the same from my partner. Right now I have not committed myself to anyone and no one has committed themselves to me.

Looks like I’m going to be looking for a long time to find that man (who is actually available) I can trust with my heart.

Being Alone Is Okay

That was me, even before my big breakup. Technically, Daniel and I were still a couple but I knew that we were over. I knew that we had been over for a long time. I continued to hold on, partly because I didn’t want to be alone. I thought that there were happy couples all around me and I wanted that illusion of happiness too. I have learned since then that I was not the only one playing happy, everyone was.

There I was in this relationship that was a dead-end and I needed to prepare myself for being single. Part of my problem is that I keep fooling myself into thinking that I need a man in my life to be happy. I did know that I did not want to be in a bad relationship, but my big mistake was thinking that I needed any type of relationship at all.

I took myself on a little test drive via on-line dating. Well, not really dating, it was more like on-line flirting. Turns out that I’m actually a pretty good flirt. I was comfortable talking via email, text messaging and instant messaging, but I was not comfortable actually talking on the phone and meeting in person was out of the question. I liked flirting, but I didn’t want anything physical at the time. I still thought of myself as fat and ugly. I thought that if they saw me the appeal would be gone and I couldn’t take the disappointment.

Daniel found out about my conversations and he was not happy about that. First there was the fight and then he suggested that we go through couples therapy. He just wanted me to think that he as serious. I didn’t believe him and I was right not to. But I did stop most of my conversations with my online guys. They weren’t real anyway. Just a few guys telling me tales trying to get in my pants. And that was not going to happen.

After the breakup my desire to have that appearance of a happy relationship led me head first into my rebound relationship. My brief affair with Rebound was not very long-lasting, but it had one hell of an impact on me. I learned that my taste in men sucked, or at least my judgment in them was horrible. I, of course, will talk more about Rebound later. I think he deserves a post all to himself.

I have given up on my quest to have that “I’m so happy with my man” look. I do hope to find the right man one day, one that I will be happy with, but I’m not going to try to force the issue. If it happens great, if it doesn’t I’m not going to settle. At least I hope I don’t. I know myself and it’s a struggle at times for me not to just say, “You know, he’s an okay guy. Maybe I can make this work.” I’ve done that before but I know now that I deserve better. I enjoy dating. I’m having fun and loving the attention. I will continue to pray that I am strong enough to walk away from the situations that I know will only hurt me. That’s the risk that we take to find happiness.