Re-Evaluating Myself Part 2

Okay. This is Kelli’s second comment and I’m going to try to respond to the best of my ability.

is Kelli Wright says:

You don’t feel you’re emotionally attached but I’m going 2 give you 2 big red flags that you will eventually become attached:

1. “He asked me once what I was expecting from him cause he was not trying to get into anything with anybody. At the time I wasn’t really looking for anything. I really liked talking to him”

*You state that “at that time” you weren’t looking for anything…what about now? Your use of past tense makes me feel like you’re saying “but now I’m ready for something more concrete” Maybe not with him but he is there and sex is involved which in most cases causes feeling in th woman.

2. “I know nothing of his wife and I ask no questions about her. I don’t want to know. I will only torture myself with that information.”

*If you truly were just having a sexual liason, as many homewreckers will tell you, you often discuss the wife. You become an outlet for whatever frustration he has with her and you’re okay with that reality. The fact that you refuse to face the reality by saying over and over that you don’t want to “personalize” it is actually personalizing it for you more. Without realizing it, you’re allowing your mind to see him as a single man instead of facing the reality that this is strictly a booty call situation.

3. I didn’t have anything else going on, but I wanted him to know that I’m not going to just lay down and open my legs because he wants me to. If he wants to see me so badly, he’s going to have to prove it.

*What do you mean ur not goin to lay down and open ur legs? That’s exactly what you’re doing! The whole point of being sexual buddies is to provide sexual relief, on ur back when he needs it. You cannot be concerned with communication and the “nicities” of normal relationships when you profess you feel nothing for him. You show several times through your post that you don’t want to be treated like a piece of meat and want a man to have “personal” convos with, yet, you claim this will never go farther than sexual?

*I believe you are becoming emotionally invested in this man. All situation are complicated but I assure you it’s often us as women, who complicate them. If you truly want a sex only situation, then you need to say everytime you look at him, “he is married and off limits and here for sex.” If you can’t face that…then you’re setting yourself up for failure…plus, you’ve also admitted it’s hard to call off…which means investment…lol.

I feel like you’re my friend, that’s why I typed this thesis statement. Men always play games and hurt vulnerable women so the key is to not be vulnerable!

When I said at the time I was talking about starting something physical. He said from the start that it never was going to be and I wasn’t expecting it to be. I can be just friends with a man. I’ve done it before, more than once. But it did get physical. And that was wrong.

I’ve already mentioned that I don’t think about the wife. I don’t think there is anything more I can say about that. He only mentioned her that one time and hasn’t brought her up since. It would feel weird for me to bring her up. And I really just don’t want to know. It’s bad enough that this has happened in the first place.

I know that I may make it sound as if I am having sex with Taken 1 all the time, but that’s not the case. If I feel the need to have sex I never think to call him. He’s married, I know that he may be with his wife and I just don’t want to deal with that. He is her husband and I’m not about to pull him away from her. I know that sounds weird, but hell, it’s true. The fact that he is married really bothers me. I can’t stand that he is just another selfish, disappointing man.

Taken 1 and I have had sex a total of two times. And both of those times were within days of each other. It never should’ve happened in the first place. True I’m disappointed in myself, but I get disappointed with myself a lot lately. And yes, I get upset with Taken 1 a lot too. I liked it when we could just talk to each other. When we started to have sex it was different. He didn’t want to just talk to me anymore. Whenever he called or texted it was about when he would see me again. I gave him a chance to just see me and he didn’t show.

I lied to him about my children being home. If he actually took the time to just talk with me he would know that things are different with my kids during the summer. My kids are always gone on the weekends. They are either visiting their dad or their grandparents. They have a very active summer. I guess I was testing him and he failed. Well, not fail, he just did exactly what I expected him to do. I’ve always thought of our situation as friends with benefits but he showed me that we were just fuck buddies and sorry I’m not in the mood for that.

Right now we’re to the point that we barely talk to each other at all. I won’t call him or text him. He’ll get tired of waiting on me to every couple of days or so and text me hi. My response is hi and nothing else. I will not start a conversation with him and he does not start of either. I’m waiting on him to get fed up with it. He may already be at that point. I’m through with the entire situation. I just haven’t gotten around to telling him. I haven’t been in the mood to talk to him. I know I need to tell him, but a part of me is waiting on him to act the way I want him too. That’s not going to happen. Oh well.

Taken 1 is not the man I want. The man I want I call Punk Bitch. He pisses me off so much, but I just can’t forget about him. We have a lot of history together. We dated a bit back in college, but I ended the relationship to get with my ex. Big mistake and he can’t forget it. I don’t think that it’s going to work out between us, but I’m still hopeful. Pathetic, I know. But I do pathetic so well.

 I intended this to be a long post and to go on and on but all that was unnecessary and I’m really tired. Writing this blog has been like therapy to me. I get to express my feeling and having your feed back has been eye-opening. Here it is Saturday night and me with not date or plans and I’m okay with that. Normally this would depress me and I may weaken enough to call Taken 1, but right now I’m just happy to be able to get a good night’s sleep. Being alone is okay and I finally believe that. Hope this lasts. Thanks everybody.

Wasting My Time

I have decided to tell you guys a bit about Taken 1 since he has pissed me off tonight. Sometimes he’s just a great guy, but most of the time he’s an ass. So why the hell do I keep him around? The sex is pretty damn good, kinda hard to give up. His crap I could do without. But that could be partially my fault.

I met Taken 1 at work. I spend most of my days surrounded by lawyers and various court officers so when I saw him in the waiting room of the firm dressed up real nice in a suit I assumed he was just another lawyer. I was wrong. He wasn’t a client either. Taken 1 was the buddy of one of one of the new lawyers in the firm. They were going out to lunch together. Anyway, I was on my way  back into my office after a pretty tough family dispute meeting.

As usual I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going. I knew the way to my office and I just assume that everyone will move out my way. Well, on this particular day this ass didn’t move. I don’t remember the guy who ran into me at all, but Taken 1 picked up my things for me. We had a very pleasant conversation, but that was it.

A couple of days later while working in the office I get a phone call from Taken 1. I was working on a community project and needed sponsors to help fund it. It was something new that the firm wanted to taken on to look good in the community, but the firm didn’t want to fund the thing entirely on it’s own. Taken 1 is a financial advisor and he offered his firm as a sponsor. Very nice. Sometime during this process we exchanged cell phone numbers.

It started out as a little bit of harmless flirting. It was fun and he was so sweet. There was nothing sexual about it at all. But I started to like him and the conversations got a little more personal. Then it all came to an end. The event was over and there was no reason for us to be talking to each other.

Of course I didn’t forget about him. I waited a good month before I located him on FB. This was when I learned that he was married. Damn. I sent him a friend request anyway. I figured that I wouldn’t hear back from him. I was wrong. He messaged me by the next day. And we were back to flirting innocently on the phone. And then it became more.

He asked me once what I was expecting from him cause he was not trying to get into anything with anybody. At the time I wasn’t really looking for anything. I really liked talking to him. He was married and that made him off limits. So we agreed, we were buddies. So there it was football season and I wasn’t doing anything one night and neither was he so we decided to watch a game together. I’ll have you guys know that I am a serious football fan. I like basketball okay and baseball a little more than that. But football was some serious stuff.

There we were watching a good game and enjoying each other’s company. We talked a bit during the game and I was comfortable with him. I’m not sure when things started to change but at one point he was just sitting there staring at me. So I stopped and looked back. I asked him if something was wrong and we shared our first kiss. A very nice kiss. He’s a good kisser, a fantastic kisser.

So, there is thing about me. Once I’m in the mood I can’t get out of it. Hell, things got hot and heavy real quick. And then we were in my bedroom. All I can say is “Wow”. A little side note. Before my ex, my experience with sex wasn’t that great. Sex with my ex is pretty damn awesome. I hated loosing that, but turns out that sex with others is pretty darn good too. And sex with Taken 1 was fantastic.

Yes, I am disappointed that I would cross that line with a married man. There is no sugar coating any of it. I am wrong for what I am doing. I reason that I am not the one who is cheating, and technically I am not. I am not the one in a committed relationship. I am not the one who is married, he is. I also know that if he is so willing to cross this line with me, he is willing to cross it with someone else. So I distance myself from it. I know nothing of his wife and I ask no questions about her.  I don’t want to know. I will only torture myself with that information. I’m a horrible person, I know, but the sex is pretty damn fantastic.

So now I am a married man’s mistress. You watch tv and see how great these mistresses have it . I know that my ex treated his girl on the side pretty good too. She had most of his time and attention. I don’t get that with Taken 1. I don’t expect to have all his time and attention. I don’t want it. Like they say he’s a man who will cheat on his wife and he will always be the man who will cheat on his wife.

I didn’t need to be in a serious relationship with that. I didn’t want him as my man, but if we were going to be lovers he could at least give me a little attention. Make me want to be his lover. Men work hard to get the girl, but once they get her they don’t put the effort into it anymore. That does not work for me. If you can’t give me the attention I need I can’t give you mine. That’s fair.

The last time Taken 1 came over to my place it was simply a booty call. He failed to make conversation. He just came in got what he wanted an left. I’m sorry, but I don’t like being treated that way and I told him so. He had some making up to do. He actually attempted to make it up to me a bit, but he sucks at that. So I don’t hear from him for days at a time. That is not acceptable. He could at least say hi.

He has the nerve to get upset with me because I have not called him either. I was the last one to text him. He has yet to answer my question. Why would I text him if he was ignoring me. I’ve just been waiting. It usually takes him two days to break down and finally text me. I gave him a peice of my mind. He promised to make it up to me.

I have been tellingnhim that I could not meet with him. I didn’t have anything else going on, but I wanted him to know that I’m not going to just lay down and open my legs because he wants me to. If he wants to see me so badly, he’s going to have to prove it. So today I finally agree to see him. I made it clear that we would not be having sex at this visit. I kept both my kids with me today to assure that nothing happened. He agreed, said that he only wanted to see me, but he would need some loving from me soon.

He was a no show. Never even texted to let me know that he was not coming. I texted him to ask him if he changed his mind. He tells me yes and that something came up. Thanks for letting me know before hand so I wouldn’t waste my time waiting on him. I told him that I didn’t appreciate that and I have been ignoring him since. If you can’t make the time (10 seconds) to tell me that you couldn’t make it to see me then I can’t make the time to see you period.

I have been through this before with him already and I always take him back. It’s encouraging to me that he actually keeps coming back to me, but it bothers me that he continues to treat me this way. I’m obviously not playing this part of the game right. I need to redo my game plan. I should just drop him all together, but like I said, the sex is fantastic. I should walk away. I just can’t find the strength to do so right now, but I’ll be damned if a man is going to treat me like a piece of ass. Yes, I do know that maybe all that I am to them, but they are no more than a dick to me. But I am high class ass and should be treated accordingly if you want me to share my goodies with you. Gotta work on this game plan.

Bringing Sexy Back. Ha!

lol. Sexy is most definitely not me. It has never been. There is no bringing back of something that was never there. But I figured that I could at least pretend that I had it.

So, I’ve told you a bit about my bad relationship with my ex, the conversations with some guys online, and a hint of the disaster that was Rebound. Believe it or not, there is still a lot that I haven’t told you guys yet.

Around the time that I decided that I could no longer remain with my ex I started working on myself. I was not happy with myself and knew that I needed to start being happy with me. I changed my eating habits, I started working out and getting more active. I didn’t notice much change while I was still with the ex, but once he moved out the weight just seemed to fall off. I got new clothes to go with the new body. I got a great new haircut that I loved. I was wearing my hair short for the first time in my entire life. Oh, and I started wearing make up. With my complex skin color it was difficult finding the perfect match. But I did and I look decent. I’m pleased with myself. I hadn’t been able to say that in a long time.

So during the period of Rebound I got a bit lonely. Rebound wasn’t there for me majority of the time. I had Ty, sure, but I wanted some male companionship. I almost never saw him and he rarely called or texted. I should’ve known better than to get involved with someone who was already involved with someone else, but I got overwhelmed with his charm. For a while that was enough for me, but when he started to get distant (which was almost immediately) I started to get frustrated. I put up with a lot from him too, but I finally got out.

I got lonely waiting on Rebound and started my online conversations again. For the most part it was just harmless fun. I hated that guys just tried to start stuff with you so they could get you into bed. I’m sorry but “when I’m gonna hit that?” is not a conversation starter if you are actually trying to be serious. But I got to practice my flirting and my kick ass attitude. The conversations with the guys never lasted long. They would let you string them along for a little while, but if you weren’t going to put out and they figured this out, they were gone.

This is the period that my ABC boys came to be. There were a few who actually appeared to be serious and we had some great conversations. I was actually up to meeting a few of them, but I was not about to travel a great distance to meet a guy. It’s funny how the guys who are close to you won’t talk to you, but guys who lived hours away couldn’t leave you alone. But these guys that were serious maybes had names that began with C. All of them.

One of them caught my attention more than the others. Charmer was my favorite of the C’s. He was a single father of three. He divorced from him wife and fought for custody and won and was now raising the three of them on his own. I thought that was sexy as hell. He was also just the nicest guy. He was always there to talk to and actually worried about me and my kids. He never once pressured me about meeting him. Sex as never the main topic of any of our conversations. I really liked him.

I liked Charmer enough to meet him. I didn’t want him to come to my place or even my city, just incase he wasn’t what I expected. I definitely didn’t want to go to his place. So we decided on a halfway point. It was a nice enjoyable visit. Ty was even around for back up. There is more to the story, but I’ll save it for it’s own post. I didn’t want anything serious with Charmer, but I have kept him around. Like I said, he’s a real nice guy.

I had also gotten real serious into social networking, especially facebook. I enjoyed talking with people I hadn’t seen in a long time and even new people that I have never met before. I got a few ABC boys there as well. I’ve tried seeing guys from the other end of the alphabet but that has not worked out quite yet. It was through facebook that I saw Brad again. I decided not to give him a nickname because he has a fan club, mainly Ty. From that Team Brad was born.

Most importantly, not really, facebook brought an old flame back into my life. D or Punk Bitch as I may sometimes call him was the guy I was dating before I dated my ex. I actually broke things off with D to be with the ex. A big mistake as it turned out. D and I started with text messages to each other and then I learned that he actually lived in the same city as me. We met and he basically hooked me. It happened fast so naturally it is wrong. So much history between us. My fault in thinking that was a good thing.

And don’t let me forget Taken 1 and Taken 2. I’m sure that their code name tells the whole story there. Close enough anyway. Nothing serious can ever happen with either one of them, but I still can’t seem to let them go.

So those are the top players in this game of “Sexy Back”. Yes there are others. They come and go often. I’ve left myself open to the possibility that my top players may not be the one for me. In truth I know that they are not the one for me, but I enjoy talking to them and spending time with them. I enjoy play time with them as well, at least some of the time.  

I do not consider myself sexy, but with these guys I forget that. That’s probably a huge part of the reason that I continue to let them all stick around. They play with my emotions some, but I’m fairly sure that all men will play with my emotions. If they are going to do it to me I might as well return the favor. I’m sounding confident but I’m actually not quite there yet. I’m a simple girl looking for true love and I’ve determined that I’ll have to play the game until I meet the man who realizes that the game is bullshit. If I’m gonna play I might as well play to win.

Don’t Volunteer For It

This was the problem with my entire relationship with Daniel (my ex). He kept doing me wrong and I just kept on putting up with it. Each time I felt that things would get better, that I would make things better. I was proven wrong time and time again. I still stayed.

Daniel was an amazing liar. He could make anyone believe anything. Although he could lie very well he didn’t remember everything he said. I did. I caught him in a lie so often that I stopped believing him. If he wanted me to believe him he had to prove it. He usually couldn’t.

I should’ve left the first time he was arrested. This happened fairly early into our relationship, but I didn’t do it. I was pregnant with his baby and I wasn’t bout to let my parents know that my baby daddy was a criminal, a thief. So I hid it from them. It was easy to do cause he didn’t talk about it. He ended up with probation and fines.

I learned that he had a drinking problem. When I commented he just tried hiding it. When that didn’t work he just stayed out all night and only came home after I went to sleep. He also developed a drug problem but I didn’t know about that for a long time.

The relationship was out of hand and I wanted out. I was already working out of town and commuting everyday. I found an apartment and took care of all the arrangements. The best part was that my parents lived close by. I told him I was leaving and I took the children and moved.

He shows up about a month later. I apparently didn’t make it clear that we were over. I took him back. I needed help paying the bills. I got no help from him for over a year. He couldn’t find a job locally. So I paid for everything including daycare while he stayed at home.

He finally got a job making little over minimum wage. His paycheck helped though. At least it did when he gave me some money. He gave me less and less each paycheck. There was always an excuse. This is when I found out bout the drugs. I ignored it.

He was arrested again. Again I kept it quiet. I stood by my man and we made it through it. Back on probation, more fines. He became mean and unpredictable but I continued to stand by him. I learned that he didn’t give me the same courtesy. There was another woman.

And still I stayed. I thought we could work it out. I was trying to buy a house and move us out the apartment. I had plans for the family. He said that it was over between them. I didn’t believe him, but I still stayed. I was right not to believe him.

We were fighting all the time. The fights only got worse. He got physical when I told him that I wanted out. The police were called. I let him back in. The fights continued and he was quick to get physical but I didn’t call the police again. I didn’t want to look stupid.

Ty and I became friends and I told her a lot but I didn’t tell her everything. She knew there was something more going on but never pushed me. She was mad as hell when I finally told her but quit being mad long enough to help me when I needed her.

My relationship was over and not recognized by me anymore. He knew this. I told him so. He didn’t believe me. When he realized that I was serious and I wanted him out of my house all hell broke loose. The police were the ones to finally get him out my house. I didn’t let him back in this time. I was finally free.

Misery does a lot of harm to your body. Once I was free of him there were a lot of changes in my life. I had a make over, lost a lot of weight and actually started socializing with the people around me. I was confident. I started dating rather quickly. Probably wasn’t a good idea. I made some bad decisions but I understand that it’s a part of the journey. I know that I’ll make many more mistakes but I will have success too.

Love is a great thing. I hope to experience the real thing one day. From my years with Daniel I learned that it is good to stand by your man through the good times and the bad but you are only wasting your time if he is unwilling to do the same. So when you are volunteering yourself for disappointment time and time again, ask yourself if it’s worth it.

Men Are Stupid

I guess the title of this post tells it all. I’m not saying that men are stupid intellectually. I’m saying they are stupid emotionally. It took me such a long time to realize this myself. For years I thought that I was the problem. What a relief it was to find out that I wasn’t.

I spent 9 years in a happy relationship. lol. Let me correct that. I spent 9 years in a relationship that I made everyone around me was happy. In truth, I was the most miserable person I knew. I knew within the first few months that he wasn’t the one for me, but I was determined to make it work. Why? I was pregnant. And this was my second pregnancy. I already had a toddler and now I was gonna have another baby. I was only 23 years old. I had already disappointed my parents once. I was not about to do that again.

So I punished myself for years because I didn’t want to be a disappointment to my parents. I was raised right. I made great grades in school and worked to pay my way, but for some reason I couldn’t make sure that a condom was used every time I had sex. Not only was I a disappointment I was stupid as hell. The situation only gets worse and when I say worse I mean that seriously. No woman should live through what I did, but I’m not going to get into that now.

So after years of misery I was finally out of the relationship. I finally put myself first. Also I finally had a friend that I could be completely honest with, although I did not always tell her everything that had happened. But Ty was there for me through it all. I don’t know how I ever would’ve made it through it without her support.

I also learned that I have horrible judgment in men. I went from a bad situation to a bad situation. It didn’t take me long to start dating. My problem was that I didn’t realize how much other people lie, especially a man who is trying to get something from you. From my experience, this is either sex or money. At one point I thought that I was in control but soon learned that I was wrong. The problem was that I tend to get emotionally involved and the men that I have met taught me that I shouldn’t expect the same from them.

Here I go just ranting away. I can talk about my individual experiences for hours. Ty will agree, my life has turned into a soap opera. But back to what I was trying to say. Men do not think the same way that we do and the definitely don’t do what we want them to do. I have not yet figured out their thought process but I’m going to continue working on that. I need to know why they don’t call you back when they say that they will and when they finally call you back the next day or days later they act like nothing’s wrong. And why do some men insist on starting a text message conversation with you and decide that the conversation is over without informing you. I had texting a guy and asking him a question only to have him take hours to respond or not responding at all.

Whew, let me stop now. Ty and I have lots of experiences to share with you all. Both past experiences and present ones. We tend to be scattered in our thoughts sometimes and go through our personal crisis situations. One thing that Ty and I are both in agreement about is that Men Are Stupid. I’m sure that many other women feel the same way.

So I’m just warning you all up front that you will hear us say this all the time. Men Are Stupid. If we were musically inclined we would put it to music.