Being Alone Is Okay

That was me, even before my big breakup. Technically, Daniel and I were still a couple but I knew that we were over. I knew that we had been over for a long time. I continued to hold on, partly because I didn’t want to be alone. I thought that there were happy couples all around me and I wanted that illusion of happiness too. I have learned since then that I was not the only one playing happy, everyone was.

There I was in this relationship that was a dead-end and I needed to prepare myself for being single. Part of my problem is that I keep fooling myself into thinking that I need a man in my life to be happy. I did know that I did not want to be in a bad relationship, but my big mistake was thinking that I needed any type of relationship at all.

I took myself on a little test drive via on-line dating. Well, not really dating, it was more like on-line flirting. Turns out that I’m actually a pretty good flirt. I was comfortable talking via email, text messaging and instant messaging, but I was not comfortable actually talking on the phone and meeting in person was out of the question. I liked flirting, but I didn’t want anything physical at the time. I still thought of myself as fat and ugly. I thought that if they saw me the appeal would be gone and I couldn’t take the disappointment.

Daniel found out about my conversations and he was not happy about that. First there was the fight and then he suggested that we go through couples therapy. He just wanted me to think that he as serious. I didn’t believe him and I was right not to. But I did stop most of my conversations with my online guys. They weren’t real anyway. Just a few guys telling me tales trying to get in my pants. And that was not going to happen.

After the breakup my desire to have that appearance of a happy relationship led me head first into my rebound relationship. My brief affair with Rebound was not very long-lasting, but it had one hell of an impact on me. I learned that my taste in men sucked, or at least my judgment in them was horrible. I, of course, will talk more about Rebound later. I think he deserves a post all to himself.

I have given up on my quest to have that “I’m so happy with my man” look. I do hope to find the right man one day, one that I will be happy with, but I’m not going to try to force the issue. If it happens great, if it doesn’t I’m not going to settle. At least I hope I don’t. I know myself and it’s a struggle at times for me not to just say, “You know, he’s an okay guy. Maybe I can make this work.” I’ve done that before but I know now that I deserve better. I enjoy dating. I’m having fun and loving the attention. I will continue to pray that I am strong enough to walk away from the situations that I know will only hurt me. That’s the risk that we take to find happiness.