Trust In Who?

There is so much that I still need to tell you guys just to get you caught up to the present. I’m always confused about what I want to tell you next. A year ago my life was fairly simple. I was miserable, but everything was constant. There were no changes in my life, just plain misery. Present day, I still have some miserable moments, but I also have all this drama to keep me preoccupied.

My relationship with my ex ended badly, but it needed to end. A problem that I have developed is my inability to trust people. I spent years with Daniel and all he did was lie to me. Now that we are over, that distrust has rubbed off on everyone else. Ty is the only person that I trust unconditionally. With everyone else, if you want me to believe you then proof has to be provided.

I’m a talker. I like talking to people and telling them what’s going on. I usually do this without giving any actual information on my private life. I like to keep my private business separate from the family and work aspects of my life. Conversations with men are sometimes difficult to me. When guys are telling my about themselves I always question what is true and what is false.

So far I have not been able to completely trust any of the men that I have gotten myself involved with. I have caught each of them in at least one lie, some minor and some not. The minor ones I can forgive, but if they are going to lie to me about something so insignificant, what else will they lie to me about?

Married men coming on to me does not help the situation either. Sometimes I feel as if someone is posting everywhere that I hook up with married men. I can’t remember the last time a man came onto me that wasn’t married. It is very discouraging. Yes, I have gotten myself involved with a couple of married guys, but nothing too extreme. And thinking about it, things might be over with them. I have not made the attempt to speak with either of them these past few days and they have not contacted me either. If you don’t care about me enough to at least call and tell me hi, then I don’t need your ass.

Today I was on FB just catching up on some of my friends and this man starts a chat with me. He is one of my friends on FB but I didn’t really know him. We just had a lot of mutual friends. I had a nice little conversation with him and we discussed going out for drinks when we were both in the same town. He comes here to visit family often. He was interesting enough and hell, free drinks.

We exchanged phone numbers and both logged off. I logged back on later and looked up his profile. I probably should’ve done that earlier while I was chatting with him in the first place, but I was distracted. I was trying to get some work done at the same time. So there I was looking at his profile and it doesn’t show his relationship status, but he had some great pics of him and his wife together in his photo albums. Had them labeled too.

I was not happy to find out about the marriage. It is so discouraging to know that men will so easily stray from their marriage like that. I had planned on getting married one day, but I don’t really see the point now. I may one day find the man I want to exchange vows with, but they aren’t going to mean a damn thing.

Yes, I know that I am messing with a married man, but I’m not the one married. I take vows seriously. I take promises seriously. If I was involved in a serious committed relationship I would be with no other man other than the man who has committed to be mine. I expect the same from my partner. Right now I have not committed myself to anyone and no one has committed themselves to me.

Looks like I’m going to be looking for a long time to find that man (who is actually available) I can trust with my heart.

Bringing Sexy Back. Ha!

lol. Sexy is most definitely not me. It has never been. There is no bringing back of something that was never there. But I figured that I could at least pretend that I had it.

So, I’ve told you a bit about my bad relationship with my ex, the conversations with some guys online, and a hint of the disaster that was Rebound. Believe it or not, there is still a lot that I haven’t told you guys yet.

Around the time that I decided that I could no longer remain with my ex I started working on myself. I was not happy with myself and knew that I needed to start being happy with me. I changed my eating habits, I started working out and getting more active. I didn’t notice much change while I was still with the ex, but once he moved out the weight just seemed to fall off. I got new clothes to go with the new body. I got a great new haircut that I loved. I was wearing my hair short for the first time in my entire life. Oh, and I started wearing make up. With my complex skin color it was difficult finding the perfect match. But I did and I look decent. I’m pleased with myself. I hadn’t been able to say that in a long time.

So during the period of Rebound I got a bit lonely. Rebound wasn’t there for me majority of the time. I had Ty, sure, but I wanted some male companionship. I almost never saw him and he rarely called or texted. I should’ve known better than to get involved with someone who was already involved with someone else, but I got overwhelmed with his charm. For a while that was enough for me, but when he started to get distant (which was almost immediately) I started to get frustrated. I put up with a lot from him too, but I finally got out.

I got lonely waiting on Rebound and started my online conversations again. For the most part it was just harmless fun. I hated that guys just tried to start stuff with you so they could get you into bed. I’m sorry but “when I’m gonna hit that?” is not a conversation starter if you are actually trying to be serious. But I got to practice my flirting and my kick ass attitude. The conversations with the guys never lasted long. They would let you string them along for a little while, but if you weren’t going to put out and they figured this out, they were gone.

This is the period that my ABC boys came to be. There were a few who actually appeared to be serious and we had some great conversations. I was actually up to meeting a few of them, but I was not about to travel a great distance to meet a guy. It’s funny how the guys who are close to you won’t talk to you, but guys who lived hours away couldn’t leave you alone. But these guys that were serious maybes had names that began with C. All of them.

One of them caught my attention more than the others. Charmer was my favorite of the C’s. He was a single father of three. He divorced from him wife and fought for custody and won and was now raising the three of them on his own. I thought that was sexy as hell. He was also just the nicest guy. He was always there to talk to and actually worried about me and my kids. He never once pressured me about meeting him. Sex as never the main topic of any of our conversations. I really liked him.

I liked Charmer enough to meet him. I didn’t want him to come to my place or even my city, just incase he wasn’t what I expected. I definitely didn’t want to go to his place. So we decided on a halfway point. It was a nice enjoyable visit. Ty was even around for back up. There is more to the story, but I’ll save it for it’s own post. I didn’t want anything serious with Charmer, but I have kept him around. Like I said, he’s a real nice guy.

I had also gotten real serious into social networking, especially facebook. I enjoyed talking with people I hadn’t seen in a long time and even new people that I have never met before. I got a few ABC boys there as well. I’ve tried seeing guys from the other end of the alphabet but that has not worked out quite yet. It was through facebook that I saw Brad again. I decided not to give him a nickname because he has a fan club, mainly Ty. From that Team Brad was born.

Most importantly, not really, facebook brought an old flame back into my life. D or Punk Bitch as I may sometimes call him was the guy I was dating before I dated my ex. I actually broke things off with D to be with the ex. A big mistake as it turned out. D and I started with text messages to each other and then I learned that he actually lived in the same city as me. We met and he basically hooked me. It happened fast so naturally it is wrong. So much history between us. My fault in thinking that was a good thing.

And don’t let me forget Taken 1 and Taken 2. I’m sure that their code name tells the whole story there. Close enough anyway. Nothing serious can ever happen with either one of them, but I still can’t seem to let them go.

So those are the top players in this game of “Sexy Back”. Yes there are others. They come and go often. I’ve left myself open to the possibility that my top players may not be the one for me. In truth I know that they are not the one for me, but I enjoy talking to them and spending time with them. I enjoy play time with them as well, at least some of the time.  

I do not consider myself sexy, but with these guys I forget that. That’s probably a huge part of the reason that I continue to let them all stick around. They play with my emotions some, but I’m fairly sure that all men will play with my emotions. If they are going to do it to me I might as well return the favor. I’m sounding confident but I’m actually not quite there yet. I’m a simple girl looking for true love and I’ve determined that I’ll have to play the game until I meet the man who realizes that the game is bullshit. If I’m gonna play I might as well play to win.

Being Alone Is Okay

That was me, even before my big breakup. Technically, Daniel and I were still a couple but I knew that we were over. I knew that we had been over for a long time. I continued to hold on, partly because I didn’t want to be alone. I thought that there were happy couples all around me and I wanted that illusion of happiness too. I have learned since then that I was not the only one playing happy, everyone was.

There I was in this relationship that was a dead-end and I needed to prepare myself for being single. Part of my problem is that I keep fooling myself into thinking that I need a man in my life to be happy. I did know that I did not want to be in a bad relationship, but my big mistake was thinking that I needed any type of relationship at all.

I took myself on a little test drive via on-line dating. Well, not really dating, it was more like on-line flirting. Turns out that I’m actually a pretty good flirt. I was comfortable talking via email, text messaging and instant messaging, but I was not comfortable actually talking on the phone and meeting in person was out of the question. I liked flirting, but I didn’t want anything physical at the time. I still thought of myself as fat and ugly. I thought that if they saw me the appeal would be gone and I couldn’t take the disappointment.

Daniel found out about my conversations and he was not happy about that. First there was the fight and then he suggested that we go through couples therapy. He just wanted me to think that he as serious. I didn’t believe him and I was right not to. But I did stop most of my conversations with my online guys. They weren’t real anyway. Just a few guys telling me tales trying to get in my pants. And that was not going to happen.

After the breakup my desire to have that appearance of a happy relationship led me head first into my rebound relationship. My brief affair with Rebound was not very long-lasting, but it had one hell of an impact on me. I learned that my taste in men sucked, or at least my judgment in them was horrible. I, of course, will talk more about Rebound later. I think he deserves a post all to himself.

I have given up on my quest to have that “I’m so happy with my man” look. I do hope to find the right man one day, one that I will be happy with, but I’m not going to try to force the issue. If it happens great, if it doesn’t I’m not going to settle. At least I hope I don’t. I know myself and it’s a struggle at times for me not to just say, “You know, he’s an okay guy. Maybe I can make this work.” I’ve done that before but I know now that I deserve better. I enjoy dating. I’m having fun and loving the attention. I will continue to pray that I am strong enough to walk away from the situations that I know will only hurt me. That’s the risk that we take to find happiness.

She Got My Back

 

Both those statements represent Ty and I well. We actually are that close. lol. No, neither of us has yelled out “I love you” in a crowded hall, but if I felt that Ty was having a bad day and needed to hear it, I would. I also know that she would do the same. We are there for each other. That we can count on.

In this entry I’m going to tell you guys a little about our friendship. Ty hasn’t gotten around to making a blog post yet so I’m using this post to introduce her a little. I’m fairly sure that I know Ty well enough that I could make a post on her behalf, but that would probably piss her off. She’s a grown woman and she can speak for herself.

We are both in our early thirties. Actually I won’t be 30 until next month, but I figure that it’s close enough that I can claim it. Ty is a couple of years older than me although there are times when she acts much older than that. (She’ll probably kill me for making that statement, but it’s true.)

I am a biracial female with an asian mother and a black father. Ty calls me blasian for short. Ty is a very down to earth white girl who got soul. She likes to joke that she is blacker than I am and it some cases that may very well be true. I mean look at her name, Tywanda, where the hell did that come from? Of course my name is no better. Bobbie Jo isn’t my real name it’s actually more complicated and I rarely use it. My dad started calling me Bobbie Jo when I was a baby and the name has stuck.

I am not saying that Ty is a white girl trying to be black. If you knew her you would now that this is not the case. And I am not a black girl trying to be white. I am who I am and don’t feel that I need to validate myself to anyone. So this is an inside joke between us. It may come up a few times during our postings. But I am not your stereotypical black girl, but in my experience few black women are. Life is not as you see it in a movie or a tv show (although there are times that my life can be classified as a soap opera).

I’ve already posted a bit about my relationship history. Never married (thank goodness) with two children, a daughter and a son. Ty has been married for about 11 years now, I think, and she has a young daughter. We both love being mothers and will do anything for our children, even stay in a bad relationship. I am currently single and trying to figure out this dating thing. Ty is in the process of re-evaluating her marriage. She may call it something different, but I’ll leave it to her to tell you.

We are both fairly successful women, at least in regards to our careers. We both work in the legal industry, but neither of us are lawyers. Ty may one day become one. She is in school working on that now. We work for different agencies/firms but are located in the same building different floors. We visit each other often, but not too often. We do have work to do.

We spend a lot of time together, if not in person via technology. Our children spend a lot of time together as well. We keep each other up to date on the goings on of our love lives, if you want to call it that. We go through a personal crisis at least once a week. So let’s say I’m just enjoying a day out with a possible love interest and Ty calls. I answer the phone. She’s fairly up to date on my plans and would not call unless it was an emergency. Please note that our emergencies may not be considered an emergency by others. If Ty says that she needs me then the date is over, plain and simple. We don’t cry emergency unless we mean it.

Guys have gotten upset about our friendship. If they can’t get over it then they aren’t the one for me. How can someone expect me to turn my back on the one person I know will be there for me when I need them? We’re just friends boys, not competition.

Yes, there have been times that we have had to clarify that we were not lesbians. I’m sure that this is true for many best friends. We are not touchy feely. Actually we rarely have reason to touch each other. I’m not a hugger, except with a man, and neither is she. I held her hand once, and that was while she was getting a tattoo. I’ve had no desire to hold her hand again. No offense, Ty.

Threesomes are a Hell No. If you are part of my life in any way you know that Ty is my bff. But when it comes to the bedroom activities she will never be a part of that. In the past 8 months I have had at least 4 guys ask me if I was into threesomes. No, I am not. And the next questions would be “What if it was with Ty?” No, hell no.

So in a nutshell that is our friendship. Truly the best of friends and nothing more. When you find that special someone you can talk to about anything you don’t let them go. Now, if I could just get a similar bond with a man and some serious physical/sexual attraction thrown in, I would be good.

Don’t Volunteer For It

This was the problem with my entire relationship with Daniel (my ex). He kept doing me wrong and I just kept on putting up with it. Each time I felt that things would get better, that I would make things better. I was proven wrong time and time again. I still stayed.

Daniel was an amazing liar. He could make anyone believe anything. Although he could lie very well he didn’t remember everything he said. I did. I caught him in a lie so often that I stopped believing him. If he wanted me to believe him he had to prove it. He usually couldn’t.

I should’ve left the first time he was arrested. This happened fairly early into our relationship, but I didn’t do it. I was pregnant with his baby and I wasn’t bout to let my parents know that my baby daddy was a criminal, a thief. So I hid it from them. It was easy to do cause he didn’t talk about it. He ended up with probation and fines.

I learned that he had a drinking problem. When I commented he just tried hiding it. When that didn’t work he just stayed out all night and only came home after I went to sleep. He also developed a drug problem but I didn’t know about that for a long time.

The relationship was out of hand and I wanted out. I was already working out of town and commuting everyday. I found an apartment and took care of all the arrangements. The best part was that my parents lived close by. I told him I was leaving and I took the children and moved.

He shows up about a month later. I apparently didn’t make it clear that we were over. I took him back. I needed help paying the bills. I got no help from him for over a year. He couldn’t find a job locally. So I paid for everything including daycare while he stayed at home.

He finally got a job making little over minimum wage. His paycheck helped though. At least it did when he gave me some money. He gave me less and less each paycheck. There was always an excuse. This is when I found out bout the drugs. I ignored it.

He was arrested again. Again I kept it quiet. I stood by my man and we made it through it. Back on probation, more fines. He became mean and unpredictable but I continued to stand by him. I learned that he didn’t give me the same courtesy. There was another woman.

And still I stayed. I thought we could work it out. I was trying to buy a house and move us out the apartment. I had plans for the family. He said that it was over between them. I didn’t believe him, but I still stayed. I was right not to believe him.

We were fighting all the time. The fights only got worse. He got physical when I told him that I wanted out. The police were called. I let him back in. The fights continued and he was quick to get physical but I didn’t call the police again. I didn’t want to look stupid.

Ty and I became friends and I told her a lot but I didn’t tell her everything. She knew there was something more going on but never pushed me. She was mad as hell when I finally told her but quit being mad long enough to help me when I needed her.

My relationship was over and not recognized by me anymore. He knew this. I told him so. He didn’t believe me. When he realized that I was serious and I wanted him out of my house all hell broke loose. The police were the ones to finally get him out my house. I didn’t let him back in this time. I was finally free.

Misery does a lot of harm to your body. Once I was free of him there were a lot of changes in my life. I had a make over, lost a lot of weight and actually started socializing with the people around me. I was confident. I started dating rather quickly. Probably wasn’t a good idea. I made some bad decisions but I understand that it’s a part of the journey. I know that I’ll make many more mistakes but I will have success too.

Love is a great thing. I hope to experience the real thing one day. From my years with Daniel I learned that it is good to stand by your man through the good times and the bad but you are only wasting your time if he is unwilling to do the same. So when you are volunteering yourself for disappointment time and time again, ask yourself if it’s worth it.