So Much To Do

 

So much going on these last few days. Things have been crazy at work. I’m been pretty preoccupied and haven’t had time to make the type of posts that I wanted to. I’ve teased you guys about a few things and I want to tell you more. It’s amazing how one person can have so much going on in her life at one time.

I can at least be thankful that there hasn’t been any recent work drama. Sure, things have been crazy at work, but that’s just because I have some deadlines approaching and gotta get some reports done. I’ve had some high maintenance cases come up that I have had to deal with. But all this is normal. Things get hectic for a while and then cool down a little bit. I’m waiting for that cool down period to hurry up and get here.

The men drama have quieted down some too. That’s actually more of me ignoring them all. They have been calling and texting, but I’ve been keeping all conversations brief. I’ve let them all know that things are crazy at work now and I’m just too busy to talk to them during my work hours. I’m also bringing work home so I may be a little distant afterhours as well. I’m just not in the mood to think about what I’m doing wrong. I need a little time to think about exactly what I want. I say that I know what I don’t want, but I keep putting up with it. It’s time to get serious. I’m tired of all this crap. Why can’t things be exactly how I want it? If only it was that easy.

So I apologize for the delay in my posting. I’m not being lazy. I’m just overworked. I’m so damn tired. I’ll be back in full form soon. I’m hoping tomorrow. I send off my report in the morning and I have the possible conclusion to the big case that has been giving me a headache. I’m gonna keep my fingers crossed.

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I Feel Pretty

So today I’m just having a great day. No drama went on. No men issues, not crazy girl issues. I just had a great day. I got my hair done today. I am now a redhead, for a while anyway. I’m really liking the look on me. Normally my hair is very difficult to color. It is just too black, but I got it done and it suits me well. Blonde highlights and all. It’s been fun turning heads and getting the extra attention.

It makes Ty jealous. She complains that black men used to notice her, but they don’t anymore. At least not when I’m with her. I have noticed the extra attention that I have been getting from black men. I try to put on the same charm with white men, but have not been getting the same feed back. I did claim the notice of this white guy once, but he wasn’t cute and I’m just not attracted to white men. I’ve always wanted to date a white man (at least once just to be able to say that i did) but haven’t found one to catch my interest. I have a specific type: black male with either a football player or basketball player’s build. I have dated outside of my type, but have not felt the attraction. But anyway, I like to attention and the fact that it irritates Ty only makes it better.

It just makes you feel good to be out with friends and having men come up to you trying to hit on you. If I don’t find them physically appealing I tend to ignore them and pretend that I didn’t realize they were watching me. If I do find them physically appealing I slow down and give them a chance to catch up with me. If the first impression is good I may give them a phone number, but make it clear that I will only exchange text messages with them. You have to be special for me to actually speak with you on the phone. I just don’t like talking to people on the phone unless I actually have something to talk about.

If a guy is trying too hard to get at me and I’m not feeling it, I will not give them my number. I will take theirs, but usually I just throw them away. If I don’t want to talk to you I’m not going to, but I’ll accept their number so they’ll leave me alone. I hate a guy that just won’t take no for an answer. If I told you I’m not interested, nothing you can say or do will make me change my mind.

Ty and I had lunch together today. We both had an office day and were in the same locations at the same time. We had lunch on the first floor of our building in the cafe. It was a good meal. I was talking to her about the changes I have made recently. She is being very supportive of me like she always has been, but she has some doubts about how long these changes are gonna last. I have my doubts as well. This is normal behavior for me. I’ll make changes and plans and stick to it for a little while, but then I’ll get lonesome and we’re back to the same place we were before.

Luckily I haven’t gotten to the point of feeling lonesome yet. I hope that when I do I can remain strong and stay away from these men that I know are no good for me. I know what I want, but I keep settling for less. I don’t want to do that anymore. I am not going to do that anymore. I am pretty and smart. I am superwoman. Damn, I hope this confidence in myself lasts.

Re-Evaluating Myself Part 2

Okay. This is Kelli’s second comment and I’m going to try to respond to the best of my ability.

is Kelli Wright says:

You don’t feel you’re emotionally attached but I’m going 2 give you 2 big red flags that you will eventually become attached:

1. “He asked me once what I was expecting from him cause he was not trying to get into anything with anybody. At the time I wasn’t really looking for anything. I really liked talking to him”

*You state that “at that time” you weren’t looking for anything…what about now? Your use of past tense makes me feel like you’re saying “but now I’m ready for something more concrete” Maybe not with him but he is there and sex is involved which in most cases causes feeling in th woman.

2. “I know nothing of his wife and I ask no questions about her. I don’t want to know. I will only torture myself with that information.”

*If you truly were just having a sexual liason, as many homewreckers will tell you, you often discuss the wife. You become an outlet for whatever frustration he has with her and you’re okay with that reality. The fact that you refuse to face the reality by saying over and over that you don’t want to “personalize” it is actually personalizing it for you more. Without realizing it, you’re allowing your mind to see him as a single man instead of facing the reality that this is strictly a booty call situation.

3. I didn’t have anything else going on, but I wanted him to know that I’m not going to just lay down and open my legs because he wants me to. If he wants to see me so badly, he’s going to have to prove it.

*What do you mean ur not goin to lay down and open ur legs? That’s exactly what you’re doing! The whole point of being sexual buddies is to provide sexual relief, on ur back when he needs it. You cannot be concerned with communication and the “nicities” of normal relationships when you profess you feel nothing for him. You show several times through your post that you don’t want to be treated like a piece of meat and want a man to have “personal” convos with, yet, you claim this will never go farther than sexual?

*I believe you are becoming emotionally invested in this man. All situation are complicated but I assure you it’s often us as women, who complicate them. If you truly want a sex only situation, then you need to say everytime you look at him, “he is married and off limits and here for sex.” If you can’t face that…then you’re setting yourself up for failure…plus, you’ve also admitted it’s hard to call off…which means investment…lol.

I feel like you’re my friend, that’s why I typed this thesis statement. Men always play games and hurt vulnerable women so the key is to not be vulnerable!

When I said at the time I was talking about starting something physical. He said from the start that it never was going to be and I wasn’t expecting it to be. I can be just friends with a man. I’ve done it before, more than once. But it did get physical. And that was wrong.

I’ve already mentioned that I don’t think about the wife. I don’t think there is anything more I can say about that. He only mentioned her that one time and hasn’t brought her up since. It would feel weird for me to bring her up. And I really just don’t want to know. It’s bad enough that this has happened in the first place.

I know that I may make it sound as if I am having sex with Taken 1 all the time, but that’s not the case. If I feel the need to have sex I never think to call him. He’s married, I know that he may be with his wife and I just don’t want to deal with that. He is her husband and I’m not about to pull him away from her. I know that sounds weird, but hell, it’s true. The fact that he is married really bothers me. I can’t stand that he is just another selfish, disappointing man.

Taken 1 and I have had sex a total of two times. And both of those times were within days of each other. It never should’ve happened in the first place. True I’m disappointed in myself, but I get disappointed with myself a lot lately. And yes, I get upset with Taken 1 a lot too. I liked it when we could just talk to each other. When we started to have sex it was different. He didn’t want to just talk to me anymore. Whenever he called or texted it was about when he would see me again. I gave him a chance to just see me and he didn’t show.

I lied to him about my children being home. If he actually took the time to just talk with me he would know that things are different with my kids during the summer. My kids are always gone on the weekends. They are either visiting their dad or their grandparents. They have a very active summer. I guess I was testing him and he failed. Well, not fail, he just did exactly what I expected him to do. I’ve always thought of our situation as friends with benefits but he showed me that we were just fuck buddies and sorry I’m not in the mood for that.

Right now we’re to the point that we barely talk to each other at all. I won’t call him or text him. He’ll get tired of waiting on me to every couple of days or so and text me hi. My response is hi and nothing else. I will not start a conversation with him and he does not start of either. I’m waiting on him to get fed up with it. He may already be at that point. I’m through with the entire situation. I just haven’t gotten around to telling him. I haven’t been in the mood to talk to him. I know I need to tell him, but a part of me is waiting on him to act the way I want him too. That’s not going to happen. Oh well.

Taken 1 is not the man I want. The man I want I call Punk Bitch. He pisses me off so much, but I just can’t forget about him. We have a lot of history together. We dated a bit back in college, but I ended the relationship to get with my ex. Big mistake and he can’t forget it. I don’t think that it’s going to work out between us, but I’m still hopeful. Pathetic, I know. But I do pathetic so well.

 I intended this to be a long post and to go on and on but all that was unnecessary and I’m really tired. Writing this blog has been like therapy to me. I get to express my feeling and having your feed back has been eye-opening. Here it is Saturday night and me with not date or plans and I’m okay with that. Normally this would depress me and I may weaken enough to call Taken 1, but right now I’m just happy to be able to get a good night’s sleep. Being alone is okay and I finally believe that. Hope this lasts. Thanks everybody.

Re-Evaluating Myself Part 1

I’ve had some great response to one of my previous posts. I got a couple from Kelli and they really made me think. You guys don’t know all the stories that make up my life yet, so I’m going to try to give you a few more details. Kelli has given me permission to use her comments to help me with this.
 
is Kelli Wright says:
Honestly, it amuses me that you will ignore him for treating you badly but you won’t give your fellow woman, the mans wife, the same respect. I’m not bashing you because I’ve had a tryst with a married man or two but what helped me to stop was being on the other side of the fence and realizing, how would I feel if some homewrecker came and did to me what I’m doing to these women.
On the flip side, great sex is great sex and like you reason, you’re not the one cheating, he is. I’d only say that you need to separate some of your feelings and play his game as his equal (in other words, think and act like a man). Don’t bring him around your children (BIG ASS NO NO) and when he doesn’t text and call, don’t express your feelings to him, just don’t call or text back for the same period he did to you. Drives em crazy. Good luck but if I’m reading between the lines, you have a heart and he’s gonna break it!
 
I’m not actually sure where to start, so I’m going to get to it. I’m mentioned my thoughts on Taken 1’s wife once already. I’m going to go into more details now. Yes, I do know that Taken 1 is married and he made that clear at the very beginning. It was actually a very weird conversation. He was explaining to me that he wasn’t looking for anything sexual with me just wanted to have someone to talk to. I thought that was what we were doing and I told him that. He seemed to be pleased with my answer and made a comment about he didn’t need no woman starting drama with his wife. My first hint that he has done this before.
 
I had no intentions of ever starting any type of drama, with his wife or anybody. I’ve got enough drama in my life already. I didn’t need to go out and get some more. And I told him so. Neither of us have mentioned his wife since. I do know his wife’s name and I know what she looks like. I want to be able to avoid her if we are ever at the same place at the same time.
 
I feel nothing when I think of her. I know that sounds bad, very bad, but it’s the truth. I never think about her on my own and Taken 1 never mentions her so I don’t think about her when we are together as well.  I do feel some guilt about the situation, but I don’t think about her at the same time. And the guilt is more like anger.
 
I get angry. I’m not really sure who I’m angry at. That’s not true, I’m mad at everybody. I’m mad at my self for being able to do this in the first place. I’m mad at Taken 1 for being just another untrustworthy man who thinks that this is okay. And I’m mad at all the other married men who have hit on me.
 
I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. Things were great with Taken 1 when we were just friends chatting on the phone together and having lunch together every now and then. When things got sexual things changed. Yes, the sex was good, but is it really worth all this. Probably not.
 
I limit my contact with Taken 1 as much as I can. He has not been to my house since the last time we had sex. And he has never been around my children. My kids don’t even know he exist. Ah, no, not quite true. My daughter knows he exists because she is nosy and she read a text message from him once. It was a simple hello, but she does know that I have talked with him before. He will never meet my children.
 
Things have actually slowed down quite a bit since we started this thing that we got going on. We’re not quite at a complete halt. I’ll explain more in my next post. Kelli’s other comment is a bit more detailed and I hope to be able to tell this story better. I know things are all mixed up, but that’s actually how I think. I’m just a woman looking to be happy and getting disappointed day after day. Maybe one day…
 

I’m Only Human

You’re a real bitch, Ty! I love ya anyway. From Ty’s last post, I’m thinking that I didn’t make myself clear enough. Yes, I know what I am doing is wrong. I also know that if I sat here and actually thought about it and thought about his wife that I would be overwhelmed with guilt. I refuse to do that though. Things are hard enough as it is. I don’t need to make it worse. For that reason I want to know nothing about the wife. If I don’t personalize her I can’t relate to her. I am completely wrong in this and I accept my part of the blame.

I do know what it feels like to be the woman who has a man who cheats on her. It was horrible when I found out, especially the way I found out. Ty tells me that I am crazy for not wanting to beat the hell out of the woman who was sleeping with my man. Quite frankly I didn’t care that much about her. She was not the person that I was in a relationship with. I focused all my anger on the person who deserved it, my ex. Although right now I can’t stand her, not because of my ex but because she is crazy as hell. She deserves a post all her own, maybe two.

So yes, I ought to be ashamed of myself for what I am doing. I am ashamed of myself for this. I keep it all secret, well except for Ty. We keep each other’s secrets. That’s why we have to be friends forever. If we aren’t, one of us would have to kill the other. We know shit that shouldn’t be floating out there for the public to find out about.

Like me, Ty is also human. I know how miserable she has been. I have been there through it all. LazyBoy is actually a pretty decent guy, he just sucks at being a husband. He has absolutely no clue on the hell that he is putting Ty through. They are so distant from each other that we’ve gotten to the point that Ty and I no longer recognize the marriage. By law they are husband and wife, but in reality they are two strangers. There have been times that I have actually forgotten about him.

I know what it is like to be in a miserable relationship. I remained faithful to my ex throughout our entire relationship, but I never had a man to pay me special attention. If I had, I may have strayed as well. But I was a horrible mess during my relationship. Nobody wanted me.

Okay, I need to stop that. It’s really depressing. I have moved on from that. I’m on my search for happiness and there is no time to go back for something that I don’t need nor want. So I continue on. I’ll make more mistakes on the way, this is unavoidable. But one day I will finally reach my destination.