Re-Evaluating Myself Part 2

Okay. This is Kelli’s second comment and I’m going to try to respond to the best of my ability.

is Kelli Wright says:

You don’t feel you’re emotionally attached but I’m going 2 give you 2 big red flags that you will eventually become attached:

1. “He asked me once what I was expecting from him cause he was not trying to get into anything with anybody. At the time I wasn’t really looking for anything. I really liked talking to him”

*You state that “at that time” you weren’t looking for anything…what about now? Your use of past tense makes me feel like you’re saying “but now I’m ready for something more concrete” Maybe not with him but he is there and sex is involved which in most cases causes feeling in th woman.

2. “I know nothing of his wife and I ask no questions about her. I don’t want to know. I will only torture myself with that information.”

*If you truly were just having a sexual liason, as many homewreckers will tell you, you often discuss the wife. You become an outlet for whatever frustration he has with her and you’re okay with that reality. The fact that you refuse to face the reality by saying over and over that you don’t want to “personalize” it is actually personalizing it for you more. Without realizing it, you’re allowing your mind to see him as a single man instead of facing the reality that this is strictly a booty call situation.

3. I didn’t have anything else going on, but I wanted him to know that I’m not going to just lay down and open my legs because he wants me to. If he wants to see me so badly, he’s going to have to prove it.

*What do you mean ur not goin to lay down and open ur legs? That’s exactly what you’re doing! The whole point of being sexual buddies is to provide sexual relief, on ur back when he needs it. You cannot be concerned with communication and the “nicities” of normal relationships when you profess you feel nothing for him. You show several times through your post that you don’t want to be treated like a piece of meat and want a man to have “personal” convos with, yet, you claim this will never go farther than sexual?

*I believe you are becoming emotionally invested in this man. All situation are complicated but I assure you it’s often us as women, who complicate them. If you truly want a sex only situation, then you need to say everytime you look at him, “he is married and off limits and here for sex.” If you can’t face that…then you’re setting yourself up for failure…plus, you’ve also admitted it’s hard to call off…which means investment…lol.

I feel like you’re my friend, that’s why I typed this thesis statement. Men always play games and hurt vulnerable women so the key is to not be vulnerable!

When I said at the time I was talking about starting something physical. He said from the start that it never was going to be and I wasn’t expecting it to be. I can be just friends with a man. I’ve done it before, more than once. But it did get physical. And that was wrong.

I’ve already mentioned that I don’t think about the wife. I don’t think there is anything more I can say about that. He only mentioned her that one time and hasn’t brought her up since. It would feel weird for me to bring her up. And I really just don’t want to know. It’s bad enough that this has happened in the first place.

I know that I may make it sound as if I am having sex with Taken 1 all the time, but that’s not the case. If I feel the need to have sex I never think to call him. He’s married, I know that he may be with his wife and I just don’t want to deal with that. He is her husband and I’m not about to pull him away from her. I know that sounds weird, but hell, it’s true. The fact that he is married really bothers me. I can’t stand that he is just another selfish, disappointing man.

Taken 1 and I have had sex a total of two times. And both of those times were within days of each other. It never should’ve happened in the first place. True I’m disappointed in myself, but I get disappointed with myself a lot lately. And yes, I get upset with Taken 1 a lot too. I liked it when we could just talk to each other. When we started to have sex it was different. He didn’t want to just talk to me anymore. Whenever he called or texted it was about when he would see me again. I gave him a chance to just see me and he didn’t show.

I lied to him about my children being home. If he actually took the time to just talk with me he would know that things are different with my kids during the summer. My kids are always gone on the weekends. They are either visiting their dad or their grandparents. They have a very active summer. I guess I was testing him and he failed. Well, not fail, he just did exactly what I expected him to do. I’ve always thought of our situation as friends with benefits but he showed me that we were just fuck buddies and sorry I’m not in the mood for that.

Right now we’re to the point that we barely talk to each other at all. I won’t call him or text him. He’ll get tired of waiting on me to every couple of days or so and text me hi. My response is hi and nothing else. I will not start a conversation with him and he does not start of either. I’m waiting on him to get fed up with it. He may already be at that point. I’m through with the entire situation. I just haven’t gotten around to telling him. I haven’t been in the mood to talk to him. I know I need to tell him, but a part of me is waiting on him to act the way I want him too. That’s not going to happen. Oh well.

Taken 1 is not the man I want. The man I want I call Punk Bitch. He pisses me off so much, but I just can’t forget about him. We have a lot of history together. We dated a bit back in college, but I ended the relationship to get with my ex. Big mistake and he can’t forget it. I don’t think that it’s going to work out between us, but I’m still hopeful. Pathetic, I know. But I do pathetic so well.

 I intended this to be a long post and to go on and on but all that was unnecessary and I’m really tired. Writing this blog has been like therapy to me. I get to express my feeling and having your feed back has been eye-opening. Here it is Saturday night and me with not date or plans and I’m okay with that. Normally this would depress me and I may weaken enough to call Taken 1, but right now I’m just happy to be able to get a good night’s sleep. Being alone is okay and I finally believe that. Hope this lasts. Thanks everybody.


Re-Evaluating Myself Part 1

I’ve had some great response to one of my previous posts. I got a couple from Kelli and they really made me think. You guys don’t know all the stories that make up my life yet, so I’m going to try to give you a few more details. Kelli has given me permission to use her comments to help me with this.
is Kelli Wright says:
Honestly, it amuses me that you will ignore him for treating you badly but you won’t give your fellow woman, the mans wife, the same respect. I’m not bashing you because I’ve had a tryst with a married man or two but what helped me to stop was being on the other side of the fence and realizing, how would I feel if some homewrecker came and did to me what I’m doing to these women.
On the flip side, great sex is great sex and like you reason, you’re not the one cheating, he is. I’d only say that you need to separate some of your feelings and play his game as his equal (in other words, think and act like a man). Don’t bring him around your children (BIG ASS NO NO) and when he doesn’t text and call, don’t express your feelings to him, just don’t call or text back for the same period he did to you. Drives em crazy. Good luck but if I’m reading between the lines, you have a heart and he’s gonna break it!
I’m not actually sure where to start, so I’m going to get to it. I’m mentioned my thoughts on Taken 1’s wife once already. I’m going to go into more details now. Yes, I do know that Taken 1 is married and he made that clear at the very beginning. It was actually a very weird conversation. He was explaining to me that he wasn’t looking for anything sexual with me just wanted to have someone to talk to. I thought that was what we were doing and I told him that. He seemed to be pleased with my answer and made a comment about he didn’t need no woman starting drama with his wife. My first hint that he has done this before.
I had no intentions of ever starting any type of drama, with his wife or anybody. I’ve got enough drama in my life already. I didn’t need to go out and get some more. And I told him so. Neither of us have mentioned his wife since. I do know his wife’s name and I know what she looks like. I want to be able to avoid her if we are ever at the same place at the same time.
I feel nothing when I think of her. I know that sounds bad, very bad, but it’s the truth. I never think about her on my own and Taken 1 never mentions her so I don’t think about her when we are together as well.  I do feel some guilt about the situation, but I don’t think about her at the same time. And the guilt is more like anger.
I get angry. I’m not really sure who I’m angry at. That’s not true, I’m mad at everybody. I’m mad at my self for being able to do this in the first place. I’m mad at Taken 1 for being just another untrustworthy man who thinks that this is okay. And I’m mad at all the other married men who have hit on me.
I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. Things were great with Taken 1 when we were just friends chatting on the phone together and having lunch together every now and then. When things got sexual things changed. Yes, the sex was good, but is it really worth all this. Probably not.
I limit my contact with Taken 1 as much as I can. He has not been to my house since the last time we had sex. And he has never been around my children. My kids don’t even know he exist. Ah, no, not quite true. My daughter knows he exists because she is nosy and she read a text message from him once. It was a simple hello, but she does know that I have talked with him before. He will never meet my children.
Things have actually slowed down quite a bit since we started this thing that we got going on. We’re not quite at a complete halt. I’ll explain more in my next post. Kelli’s other comment is a bit more detailed and I hope to be able to tell this story better. I know things are all mixed up, but that’s actually how I think. I’m just a woman looking to be happy and getting disappointed day after day. Maybe one day…

Wasting My Time

I have decided to tell you guys a bit about Taken 1 since he has pissed me off tonight. Sometimes he’s just a great guy, but most of the time he’s an ass. So why the hell do I keep him around? The sex is pretty damn good, kinda hard to give up. His crap I could do without. But that could be partially my fault.

I met Taken 1 at work. I spend most of my days surrounded by lawyers and various court officers so when I saw him in the waiting room of the firm dressed up real nice in a suit I assumed he was just another lawyer. I was wrong. He wasn’t a client either. Taken 1 was the buddy of one of one of the new lawyers in the firm. They were going out to lunch together. Anyway, I was on my way  back into my office after a pretty tough family dispute meeting.

As usual I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going. I knew the way to my office and I just assume that everyone will move out my way. Well, on this particular day this ass didn’t move. I don’t remember the guy who ran into me at all, but Taken 1 picked up my things for me. We had a very pleasant conversation, but that was it.

A couple of days later while working in the office I get a phone call from Taken 1. I was working on a community project and needed sponsors to help fund it. It was something new that the firm wanted to taken on to look good in the community, but the firm didn’t want to fund the thing entirely on it’s own. Taken 1 is a financial advisor and he offered his firm as a sponsor. Very nice. Sometime during this process we exchanged cell phone numbers.

It started out as a little bit of harmless flirting. It was fun and he was so sweet. There was nothing sexual about it at all. But I started to like him and the conversations got a little more personal. Then it all came to an end. The event was over and there was no reason for us to be talking to each other.

Of course I didn’t forget about him. I waited a good month before I located him on FB. This was when I learned that he was married. Damn. I sent him a friend request anyway. I figured that I wouldn’t hear back from him. I was wrong. He messaged me by the next day. And we were back to flirting innocently on the phone. And then it became more.

He asked me once what I was expecting from him cause he was not trying to get into anything with anybody. At the time I wasn’t really looking for anything. I really liked talking to him. He was married and that made him off limits. So we agreed, we were buddies. So there it was football season and I wasn’t doing anything one night and neither was he so we decided to watch a game together. I’ll have you guys know that I am a serious football fan. I like basketball okay and baseball a little more than that. But football was some serious stuff.

There we were watching a good game and enjoying each other’s company. We talked a bit during the game and I was comfortable with him. I’m not sure when things started to change but at one point he was just sitting there staring at me. So I stopped and looked back. I asked him if something was wrong and we shared our first kiss. A very nice kiss. He’s a good kisser, a fantastic kisser.

So, there is thing about me. Once I’m in the mood I can’t get out of it. Hell, things got hot and heavy real quick. And then we were in my bedroom. All I can say is “Wow”. A little side note. Before my ex, my experience with sex wasn’t that great. Sex with my ex is pretty damn awesome. I hated loosing that, but turns out that sex with others is pretty darn good too. And sex with Taken 1 was fantastic.

Yes, I am disappointed that I would cross that line with a married man. There is no sugar coating any of it. I am wrong for what I am doing. I reason that I am not the one who is cheating, and technically I am not. I am not the one in a committed relationship. I am not the one who is married, he is. I also know that if he is so willing to cross this line with me, he is willing to cross it with someone else. So I distance myself from it. I know nothing of his wife and I ask no questions about her.  I don’t want to know. I will only torture myself with that information. I’m a horrible person, I know, but the sex is pretty damn fantastic.

So now I am a married man’s mistress. You watch tv and see how great these mistresses have it . I know that my ex treated his girl on the side pretty good too. She had most of his time and attention. I don’t get that with Taken 1. I don’t expect to have all his time and attention. I don’t want it. Like they say he’s a man who will cheat on his wife and he will always be the man who will cheat on his wife.

I didn’t need to be in a serious relationship with that. I didn’t want him as my man, but if we were going to be lovers he could at least give me a little attention. Make me want to be his lover. Men work hard to get the girl, but once they get her they don’t put the effort into it anymore. That does not work for me. If you can’t give me the attention I need I can’t give you mine. That’s fair.

The last time Taken 1 came over to my place it was simply a booty call. He failed to make conversation. He just came in got what he wanted an left. I’m sorry, but I don’t like being treated that way and I told him so. He had some making up to do. He actually attempted to make it up to me a bit, but he sucks at that. So I don’t hear from him for days at a time. That is not acceptable. He could at least say hi.

He has the nerve to get upset with me because I have not called him either. I was the last one to text him. He has yet to answer my question. Why would I text him if he was ignoring me. I’ve just been waiting. It usually takes him two days to break down and finally text me. I gave him a peice of my mind. He promised to make it up to me.

I have been tellingnhim that I could not meet with him. I didn’t have anything else going on, but I wanted him to know that I’m not going to just lay down and open my legs because he wants me to. If he wants to see me so badly, he’s going to have to prove it. So today I finally agree to see him. I made it clear that we would not be having sex at this visit. I kept both my kids with me today to assure that nothing happened. He agreed, said that he only wanted to see me, but he would need some loving from me soon.

He was a no show. Never even texted to let me know that he was not coming. I texted him to ask him if he changed his mind. He tells me yes and that something came up. Thanks for letting me know before hand so I wouldn’t waste my time waiting on him. I told him that I didn’t appreciate that and I have been ignoring him since. If you can’t make the time (10 seconds) to tell me that you couldn’t make it to see me then I can’t make the time to see you period.

I have been through this before with him already and I always take him back. It’s encouraging to me that he actually keeps coming back to me, but it bothers me that he continues to treat me this way. I’m obviously not playing this part of the game right. I need to redo my game plan. I should just drop him all together, but like I said, the sex is fantastic. I should walk away. I just can’t find the strength to do so right now, but I’ll be damned if a man is going to treat me like a piece of ass. Yes, I do know that maybe all that I am to them, but they are no more than a dick to me. But I am high class ass and should be treated accordingly if you want me to share my goodies with you. Gotta work on this game plan.

Bringing Sexy Back. Ha!

lol. Sexy is most definitely not me. It has never been. There is no bringing back of something that was never there. But I figured that I could at least pretend that I had it.

So, I’ve told you a bit about my bad relationship with my ex, the conversations with some guys online, and a hint of the disaster that was Rebound. Believe it or not, there is still a lot that I haven’t told you guys yet.

Around the time that I decided that I could no longer remain with my ex I started working on myself. I was not happy with myself and knew that I needed to start being happy with me. I changed my eating habits, I started working out and getting more active. I didn’t notice much change while I was still with the ex, but once he moved out the weight just seemed to fall off. I got new clothes to go with the new body. I got a great new haircut that I loved. I was wearing my hair short for the first time in my entire life. Oh, and I started wearing make up. With my complex skin color it was difficult finding the perfect match. But I did and I look decent. I’m pleased with myself. I hadn’t been able to say that in a long time.

So during the period of Rebound I got a bit lonely. Rebound wasn’t there for me majority of the time. I had Ty, sure, but I wanted some male companionship. I almost never saw him and he rarely called or texted. I should’ve known better than to get involved with someone who was already involved with someone else, but I got overwhelmed with his charm. For a while that was enough for me, but when he started to get distant (which was almost immediately) I started to get frustrated. I put up with a lot from him too, but I finally got out.

I got lonely waiting on Rebound and started my online conversations again. For the most part it was just harmless fun. I hated that guys just tried to start stuff with you so they could get you into bed. I’m sorry but “when I’m gonna hit that?” is not a conversation starter if you are actually trying to be serious. But I got to practice my flirting and my kick ass attitude. The conversations with the guys never lasted long. They would let you string them along for a little while, but if you weren’t going to put out and they figured this out, they were gone.

This is the period that my ABC boys came to be. There were a few who actually appeared to be serious and we had some great conversations. I was actually up to meeting a few of them, but I was not about to travel a great distance to meet a guy. It’s funny how the guys who are close to you won’t talk to you, but guys who lived hours away couldn’t leave you alone. But these guys that were serious maybes had names that began with C. All of them.

One of them caught my attention more than the others. Charmer was my favorite of the C’s. He was a single father of three. He divorced from him wife and fought for custody and won and was now raising the three of them on his own. I thought that was sexy as hell. He was also just the nicest guy. He was always there to talk to and actually worried about me and my kids. He never once pressured me about meeting him. Sex as never the main topic of any of our conversations. I really liked him.

I liked Charmer enough to meet him. I didn’t want him to come to my place or even my city, just incase he wasn’t what I expected. I definitely didn’t want to go to his place. So we decided on a halfway point. It was a nice enjoyable visit. Ty was even around for back up. There is more to the story, but I’ll save it for it’s own post. I didn’t want anything serious with Charmer, but I have kept him around. Like I said, he’s a real nice guy.

I had also gotten real serious into social networking, especially facebook. I enjoyed talking with people I hadn’t seen in a long time and even new people that I have never met before. I got a few ABC boys there as well. I’ve tried seeing guys from the other end of the alphabet but that has not worked out quite yet. It was through facebook that I saw Brad again. I decided not to give him a nickname because he has a fan club, mainly Ty. From that Team Brad was born.

Most importantly, not really, facebook brought an old flame back into my life. D or Punk Bitch as I may sometimes call him was the guy I was dating before I dated my ex. I actually broke things off with D to be with the ex. A big mistake as it turned out. D and I started with text messages to each other and then I learned that he actually lived in the same city as me. We met and he basically hooked me. It happened fast so naturally it is wrong. So much history between us. My fault in thinking that was a good thing.

And don’t let me forget Taken 1 and Taken 2. I’m sure that their code name tells the whole story there. Close enough anyway. Nothing serious can ever happen with either one of them, but I still can’t seem to let them go.

So those are the top players in this game of “Sexy Back”. Yes there are others. They come and go often. I’ve left myself open to the possibility that my top players may not be the one for me. In truth I know that they are not the one for me, but I enjoy talking to them and spending time with them. I enjoy play time with them as well, at least some of the time.  

I do not consider myself sexy, but with these guys I forget that. That’s probably a huge part of the reason that I continue to let them all stick around. They play with my emotions some, but I’m fairly sure that all men will play with my emotions. If they are going to do it to me I might as well return the favor. I’m sounding confident but I’m actually not quite there yet. I’m a simple girl looking for true love and I’ve determined that I’ll have to play the game until I meet the man who realizes that the game is bullshit. If I’m gonna play I might as well play to win.